“This is your time and it feels normal to you, but really, there is no normal. There’s only change and resistance to it and then more change.”
Last Thursday was the first day of school and I watched with a lump in my throat the size of Ohio as my little boy, Cooper, marched with confidence into his new classroom.
In a few weeks my three year old daughter, Ellery, will start preschool.
Three mornings a week I will have both my children out of the house, happy at school learning, playing with friends and gaining confidence through their increased independence.
In so many ways I’ve been anxiously awaiting this point in my life. My son starting all day school opens up time for me to pursue my own interests more, and dedicate more time and energy to my work. With my daughter also in school I have a freedom I haven’t had in many years.
Yes, I will be celebrating this new stage in my life.
But like any change, even if it is one I’ve been looking forward to for years, I am finding some lingering resistance, and it’s coming through as I sleep. For the past several nights I’ve had very vivid dreams of being pregnant with a 3rd baby. Just last night I had a dream that I kept finding pacifiers all over our house, and I knew that I needed to stockpile them to be ready, that I was going to need lots of pacifiers very soon.
You see, as my children venture off into the world of school away from home, I am venturing out of my role as a mama to babies. While this is a distinct choice and one made with confidence, there remains a bit of sadness that that chapter of my life has come to a close.
By opening myself up to the sadness that comes with this transition I also open myself to fully embracing all the goodness that lies in the next stage of life.
I’m so ready to be a mom to kids in school, kids who explore independently and still run to my open arms for big hugs at the end of the day. I may shed a tear for what lies behind, but I’m smiling big at all that is to come.